| Pain, Pleasure and Prejudice The Complete Layman’s Guide to the Koran Chapter 18 Heaven 39:73 And those who feared their Lord will be led to Paradise in throngs. Then, when they have reached it and its gates are opened [they will enter it] and its keepers will say; “Peace be upon you; you have fared well, so enter it to dwell therein forever.” 39:74 They will say: “Praise be to Allah Who has been truthful in His Promise to us and has bequeathed upon us the land wherein we are able to settle in Paradise wherever we wish. Blessed is the wage of the labourers!” 39:75 And you will see the angels circling around the Throne proclaiming the praise of their Lord. And it will be justly decided between them and it will be said: “Praise be to Allah , the Lord of the Worlds.” ---- 78:31 The God-fearing will score a victory, 78:32 Gardens and vineyards, 78:33 And round-breasted mates, 78:34 And a brim-full cup. ---- 6:127 Theirs is the abode of peace with their Lord and He is their Protector, for what they used to do. The writing style chosen for this chapter, the chapters Hell and Answering Your Questions about Judgement Day, which follow, is not meant to be flippant or disrespectful. While the writing style chosen is deliberate, it is not meant to make light of a profoundly serious matter. Quite the opposite! It is meant to show Allah’s attention to detail which the believers claim is proof of His existence, the existence of Heaven and Hell and the coming of Judgement Day. Heaven is just above the clouds and is supported by invisible pillars anchored in the earth. 13:2 Allah is He Who raised the heavens without pillars that you can see; there He sat upright on the Throne and made the sun and the moon subservient, each running for an appointed term. He manages the [whole] affair and makes clear the Revelations so that you may be certain of meeting your Lord. Heaven was remodeled into seven levels after Allah created the earth, or was created after our home planet and everything on it. 2:29 It is He Who created for you everything on earth, then ascended to the heavens fashioning them into seven, and He has knowledge of all things. 23:17 We have created above you seven spheres, and We were not oblivious of the creation. The highest level is where Allah sits on His Throne with His Messenger at His side. Those destined for Paradise will enter heaven via the gate that best corresponds with the activity they were best at e.g. prayer, charity, fasting … fighting evil. Some buildings in heaven are made of bricks. 8:32 And when they said: “O Allah, if this is indeed the truth from You, then rain down upon us brickstones from heaven, or inflict upon us a very painful punishment.” While Allah does not mention any buildings made of pearl, the Prophet said he saw one there, it is a building for married women only, and it is HUGE. Allah's Apostle said, "In Paradise there is a pavilion made of a single hollow pearl sixty miles wide, in each corner of which there are wives who will not see those in the other corners; and the believers will visit and enjoy them.” Bukhari 6:60:402 Most of heaven’s buildings may be multi-level (not unlike a modern apartment complex) above a source of fresh water. 39:20 But those who fear their Lord will have chambers over which other chambers are built and beneath which the rivers flow. That is Allah’s Promise. Allah does not break His Promise. Single family dwellings are also likely? 29:58 Those who have believed and done the righteous deeds, We shall install them in chambers in Paradise, beneath which rivers flow, dwelling therein forever. Blessed is the wage of those who labour! 29:59 Those who stood fast and in their Lord they trust. In Yusuf Ali’s translations, these “chambers” are actually mansions. 29:58 But those who believe and work deeds of righteousness, to them shall We give a Home in Heaven - lofty mansions beneath which flow rivers - to dwell therein for aye; - an excellent reward for those who do (good)! Allah’s Heaven includes furniture, mainly couches, stretching to infinity on seven oasis built one on top of the other stretching to infinity. Food and drink is mainly middle-eastern. If you like grapes, dates, chicken, non-alcoholic flavoured wines and such, then you will like the food Allah serves. You may find some variations on ethnic cuisine but pork and shell-fish dishes are definitely out. Reclining on fine furniture, popping grapes, drinking wine is not the only enjoyment heaven will have to offer. After all, we are talking an eternity here. How you will pass the time, or more accurately how men will amuse themselves for an eternity presented a problem for Allah, a public relations type of problem. Basically, Heaven, as described in the Koran, is eating, drinking, fornicating, visiting with friends and relatives and making fun of the unbelievers roasting in Hell. 83:34 But today, the believers shall laugh at the unbelievers. 83:35 Upon couches, they gaze around. Heaven is a place where men can fornicate to their hearts content, with Allah providing perpetual virgins, blushing maidens and heavenly, sexually adept pleasure mates called houris which, according to Emerick, are soulless creatures which have been programmed by Allah to please men’s every carnal desire. How could Allah describe such a heaven without making Paradise sound like one gigantic brothel in the sky? This difficulty has led to wide ranging interpretation among Islamic scholars and informed clerics as to what you will find in heaven. Most agree however, that men will not have a problem finding sex in heaven. Sixteenth-century Islamic scholar Al-Suyuti (died 1505) said that in heaven men will walk around Paradise with permanent erections. Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas. Will women be allowed to have sex with multiple, sexually adept, virile, hard-bodied, good-looking young men in Allah’s version of heaven? Not likely. The best women can expect in heaven, if the following verses are any indication, is sex with their former earthly-bound spouse after they have been purified (purified can mean they will no longer menstruate, have their sins forgiven or, considering Allah’s obsession with virgins, be born-again virgins or all of the aforementioned). 3:15 Say: “Shall I tell you about something better than all that?” For those who are God-fearing, from their Lord are gardens beneath which rivers flow, and in which they abide forever [along with] purified spouses and Allah’s good pleasure. Allah’s sees His servants well! 36:55 Today the Companions of Paradise are busy enjoying themselves; 36:56 Together with their spouses they are reclining on couches in the shade. 36:57 Wherein they have fruit, and have all they call for. As mentioned in a previous chapter, if a woman or girl dies a spinster in a martyrdom operation she will be wedded to an eligible male in heaven as part of her reward for killing and dying in the cause of Allah. Allah’s heaven is close by. Neil Armstrong almost made it there. In the Koran, as best as we can discern, heaven or Paradise is just beyond the moon, and the moon is just above the clouds along with the sun which is a large lamp illuminating a flat earth, and shooting stars (meteorites) are rocks thrown by the angels to keep the devils (jinns) away. 78:6 Have we not made the earth as a couch for you? 78:7 And the mountains as pegs? ... 78:12 And built above you seven mighty [heavens]? 78:13 And created a shining lamp? ---- 67:5 We have adorned the lower heaven with lamps, and We turned them into missiles launched against the devils: and We have prepared for them the punishment of the Fire. Allah maintains he completed the seven heavens of Paradise in just two days. An accomplishment He is justly proud of. How did He do it? 41:11 Then He arose to heaven while it was smoke, and He said to it and to the earth: “Come over, willingly or unwillingly.” They said: “We come willingly.” 41:12 Then He completed them as seven heavens in two days and assigned to each heaven its proper order. And We adorned the lower heaven with lamps as protection (from the demons). That is the determination of the All-Mighty, the All-Knowing. You should be able to see the lowest of the seven levels of Allah’s Heaven from the ground. 50:6 Have they not beheld the heaven above them, how We erected it and adorned it, and it has no cracks. 67:3 He Who has created seven stratified heavens. You do not see any discrepancy in the creation of the Compassionate. So fix your gaze, do you see any cracks? Stare too long or too often skyward and you will strain your eyes. 67:4 Then fix your gaze again and again, and your gaze will recoil back to you discomfited and weary. What Allah probably built was seven very, very large oases stacked like pancakes one on top of the other. The proof can be found in the countless references to Paradise as “a garden under which a river runs”; what most of us would call an oasis. These oases also have unusual rivers running above ground such as rivers of milk that never turns sour, rivers of honey, and one which you would not have expected considering Allah’s prohibitions against alcoholic beverages. 47:15 The likeliness of the Garden which the God-fearing have been promised is this: rivers of water not stagnant, rivers of milk whose taste has not changed, rivers of wine delighting its drinkers and rivers of distilled honey. Therein they have every variety of fruit and forgiveness from their Lord too … Even when describing the wonders of Paradise, Allah can’t resist mentioning hell. 47:15 … Are they to be compared with those who dwell in the Fire forever and are given to drink boiling water which will rip up their bowels? There may not be that much variety in the variety of fruit provided by Allah. 2:25 Proclaim the good news to those who have believed and have done the good works; they will have gardens under which rivers flow. Every time they get some of the fruits with which they are provided, they will say: "This is what we were provided with before", because they are given each time something that looks like it. They will also have their pure spouses there, and they shall live forever. Wine will be available for the privileged in a specially sealed bottle or jar of some type from a special spring. 83:25 They are given to drink from a sealed wine; 83:26 Whose seal is musk. Over that, let the competitors compete; 83:27 And its mixture is from Tasmin (a spring in Paradise); 83:28 A spring from which the well-favoured drink. Proper attire will be provided. Clothing is not optional. 18:30 As for those who believe and do the good deeds, surely, We will not waste the reward of him who does the good work. 18:31 Those shall have Gardens of Eden, beneath which rivers flow, bejeweled therein with bracelets of gold, and wearing green clothes of silk and brocade, reclining therein on couches. Blessed is their reward and fair is the resting place! 44:52 In gardens and well-springs. 44:53 They wear silk and brocade facing each other. 20:118 “You will certainly not be hungry therein, nor be naked. Sun block will not be required in Heaven. 20:119 “And you will not thirst therein, nor be exposed to the heat of the sun.” And there will be couches. Lots and lots of couches, with uplifted mattresses interwoven with gold threads facing each other in an oasis that is continuously in the shade and stretches to infinity. On these couches men will recline sharing a drink of cool clear spring-water and non-alcoholic wines in gold cups while enjoying a variety of fruits and halal (permissible) meats served on platters made of gold with wide-eyed maidens standing around averting their gaze. 37:43 In the Gardens of Bliss; 37:44 Upon couches, facing each other. 37:45 A cup of pure spring water shall be passed around them; 37:46 Snow-white, a delight to drinkers. 37:47 Wherein there is no gall and they are not intoxicated by it. 37:48 And they also shall have wide-eyed maidens averting their gaze. 37:49 They resemble hidden pearls. ---- 43:71 “Platters and cups of gold shall be passed around them, and therein shall be whatever souls desire and eyes delight in, and in it you shall dwell forever.” 43:72 That is the Paradise which you were given as an inheritance for what you used to do. 43:73 Therein you have abundant fruit from which you will eat. A maiden is generally understood to be a young unmarried women. The Prophet said that in Paradise everyone will be 30 or 33 years old. This is revealed in a saheeh i.e. authentic hadith, a saying of the Prophet which is considered "sound and healthy." With regard to their ages, they will all enter Paradise at the age of strength and youth, thirty-three years old. It was narrated from Mu’aadh ibn Jabal that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The people of Paradise will enter Paradise hairless, beardless with their eyes anointed with kohl, aged thirty or thirty-three years.” al-Tirmidhi 2545 I mention this because of the age of the “mates” in revelation 38:52. Since no sex will be allowed with either houris or blushing maidens before you are married to them i.e. they become your mate, this would make it somewhat old for a maiden? 38:49 This is a Reminder and the God-fearing will surely have a fair resort. 38:50 Gardens of Eden whereof the gates are wide-open for them. 38:51 Reclining therein and calling for abundant fruit and beverage. 38:52 And they have mates of equal age, averting their gaze. 38:53 “This is what you are promised for the Day of Reckoning. 38:54 “This is our provision which will not end.” In heaven, everyone will love everyone; you may even be allowed to watch the guy on the couch next to you making out. You will never get tired and perhaps never require sleep. 15:47 We shall remove all hatred from their hearts, and as brethren they shall recline, facing each other, upon couches. 15:48 They shall not be touched by fatigue therein, nor will they be driven. Look down and be surprised at who you might see, (continued from 37:49). 37:50 Then, they will advance one towards the other asking each other. 37:51 One of them will say: “I had a comrade; 37:52 “Who used to say: ‘Are you then one of the confirmed believers?’ 37:53 “Will we, once we are dead and have become dust and bones, be really judged?” 37:54 He said (to his companion): “Are you looking down?” 37:55 He looked and saw him in the centre of Hell. 37:56 He said: “By Allah, you almost caused my perdition. 37:57 “But for my Lord’s Grace, I would have been one of those brought forward.” Allah, the people of Paradise and the people of Hell will all be within shouting distance. 7:43 And We shall remove all rancour from their hearts; and under them rivers will flow. They will say: “Praise be to Allah Who guided us to this; we would never have been guided, had not Allah guided us. The Messengers of our Lord came with the truth.” Then a voice will cry out to them: “This is indeed the Paradise which you have been made to inherit for what [good] you used to do.” 7:44 And the people of Paradise will call out to the people of the Fire: “We have found what our Lord promised us to be true; so have you found what your Lord promised to be true?” They will say: “Yes.” Thereupon a caller from their midst shall call out: “May Allah’s curse be upon the wrongdoers; 7:45 “Who bar [others] from Allah’s Way and desire it to be crooked; and they disbelieve in the Hereafter.” Many of the verses concerning what you can expect in heaven are contained in chapter 56, The Happening and judging from the following verses, heaven is where it’s happening. 56:1 When the Happening comes to pass. 56:2 Of its occurrence there is no denial; 56:3 Abasing some, exalting others. 56:4 When the earth shall be shaken violently 56:5 And the mountain shall be reduced to rubble, 56:6 So that they become scattered dust. 56:7 And you shall be three categories: 56:8 The Companions of the Right - behold the Companions of the Right? ------------------------ The Companions of the Right is taken to mean by most commentators “Companions of the Right Hand.” Those who have been given their books of good and bad deeds on Judgement Day in their right hand go to heaven; those who are given their books of good and bad deeds in their left hand go to hell (see chapter Judgement Day). ------------------------ 56:9 And the Companions of the Left - behold the Companions of the Left? 56:10 And the outstrippers (the privileged few), the outstrippers; 56:11 Those are the favoured ones, 56:12 In the Gardens of Bliss; 56:13 A throng of the ancients, 56:14 And a small band of the latecomers. 56:15 Upon beds interwoven with gold; 56:16 Reclining upon them, facing each other. 56:17 While immortal youths go around them, 56:18 With goblets, pitchers and a cup of limpid drink. 56:19 Their heads do not ache from it and they do not become intoxicated. 56:20 And with such fruit as they care to choose; 56:21 And such flesh of fowl as they desire; In the Garden of Bliss men will be serviced by houris. 56:22 And wide-eyed houris, 56:23 Like hidden pearls; 56:24 As a reward for what they used to do. Allah also makes it clear that you will be wedded to these houris before any hanky-panky is allowed. 44:54 Thus it will be; and we gave them wide-eyed houris in marriage. 52:20 Reclining on ranged couches, and We shall wed them to wide-eyed houris. The marriage ceremony may include branding of the houris. According to Professor Clark, in a Tradition of the Prophet one of the houris’ voluptuous breasts is branded with the name of her husband and the other with the name of her husband’s benefactor, Allah. This will definitely make it easier for men to keep track of what is the equivalent of their herd or harem of houris, and make it less likely for one man to accidently fornicate with another man’s houris. You will not have to engage in small-talk with these houris but you will be expected to extend your best wishes to your couch companions. 56:25 They do hear therein idle talk or vilification. 56:26 Only the greeting: “Peace, Peace!” 56:27 As for the Companions of the Right; and behold the Companions of the Right? 56:28 They are in the midst of thornless (sic) Lotus trees, 56:29 And braided acacias, 56:30 And extended shade, 56:31 And overflowing water; 56:32 And abundant fruit, 56:33 Neither withheld nor forbidden, 56:34 And uplifted mattresses. In addition to houris skilled in the sexual arts you will also have access to extra-virginal, kind-hearted girls, who never lose their virginity even after intercourse and never grow old. 56:35 We have formed them originally; 56:36 And made them pure virgins, 56:37 Tender and unageing, 56:38 For the Companions of the Right, 56:39 A throng of the ancients, 56:40 And a throng of the latecomers. Perhaps the pure, tender unageing virgins are the bashful maidens in the following verses 55:56 Therein are maidens lowering their glances and they have not been touched, before them by any man or jinn. “So, which of your Lord’s Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny?” is repeated after almost every verse in surah 55; for the sake of brevity I give it to you once. 55:57 So, which of your Lord's Bounties do you both (Jinn and humans) deny? 55:58 They are like rubies and coral. The reward for doing good i.e. beneficence, is Allah doing something good for you e.g. “virtuous maidens”. 55:60 Shall the reward of beneficence be other than beneficence? Each level of heaven contains two gardens with much greenery, two gushing springs and in addition to fruit trees such as the drought-tolerant pomegranate, trees ordinarily found in oases i.e. palm trees. 55:62 And beneath them (the two gardens) are two other gardens. 55:64 Of dark green colour. 55:66 Therein are two gushing springs. 55:68 Therein are fruits, palm trees and pomegranates. 55:70 Therein are beautiful virtuous maidens. And like on earth, these virtuous maidens will be secluded. 55:72 Wide-eyed, cloistered in pavilions. 55:74 No man or jinn touched them before. 55:76 Reclining upon green cushions and superb rugs. 56:78 Blessed be the Name of your Lord, full of majesty and splendour. Deserving males (pedophiles, one must assume, will not have a place in Paradise) who would rather have boys with alabaster-like skin who never age, and who will never die waiting on them instead of purified wives, virtuous blushing maidens and voluptuous easily aroused houris will not be disappointed. 52:24 And boys of their own will go around them, as if they were hidden pearls. 76:19 And there go round them immortal boys; when you see them, you will think that they are scattered pearls. More refreshments from another special spring. 76:15 And cup-bearers shall go round them with vessels of silver and goblets of glass, 76:16 Goblets of silver which they measured exactly. 76:17 And they are given therein to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger. 76:18 A spring therein is called Salsabil. A paradise for all those who feared Allah, including those who killed the innocent for not believing in their God’s beneficence. 19:63 Such is the Paradise which We shall give as inheritance to those of Our servants who are God-fearing. This is the heaven that the 9/11 terrorists aspired to. In Muhammad Atta’s heaven, he is pounding his couch, breaking hymens and popping grapes for an eternity while enjoying the spectacle of the people he slaughtered roasting in Hell.
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